An outsider's guide to fitting into Auckland

It’s now been just over two weeks since I moved to the big smoke, which obviously means that I’m now a ‘native’ and fully qualified to tell you how to live your life.

There’s nothing worse than visiting a city and sticking out like a sore thumb. You know the feeling; you’re walking down some foreign street and you can just feel the tourist vibes radiating off your Macpac raincoat and Kathmandu bumbag. Well, never fear - as I have compiled five simple steps to ensure you fit into the city of sails like a Aucklander in an overpriced coffee-shop. A list! What is this - Buzzfeed?

1. Traffic Lights

Speaking from experience, traffic lights in Christchurch are a very simple contraption. When the little man is red you wait, and when he turns green you walk. If the man starts to flash red, you make an assessment as to whether you can cross the road safely. Crude, yet effective.

However in Auckland's central city, most of the traffic lights are animated. The green man literally walks, reminding the stupid people who’ve forgotten how to do it themselves. And instead of a flashing red man telling you to get off the road, there’s a countdown. It’s as if crossing the road has been turned into a competitive sport. You’ll see lawyers and pram-pushers alike marching across the street so quickly they make Usain Bolt look like Kim Dotcom.

In my expertly unqualified opinion, the humble traffic light is the test that separates Aucklanders from Dorklanders.

If you’ve lived here all your life, you ‘know’ the countdown. You stride confidently out into the intersection, there’s merely six seconds left to cross the road, but you ‘know’ the system. It’s like a game of cat and mouse as you dodge a tour bus on its way to the Sky Tower.

Non-Aucklanders, or Dorklanders as I’m calling them, stand awkwardly on one side of the road, admiring the courage of the professionals who clip-clop across the intersection.

My tip - if you want to fit in, stride across the street and act like you know what you’re doing no matter how long is left on the traffic-light countdown. This way if you get hit by a car, at least you’ll die a true Aucklander. Crude, yet effective.

2. Try not to laugh at funny store names.

I learnt this one from personal experience. There’s a hilarious store in the bottom of the Sky World Entertainment Centre called ‘Poke Time’. Don’t laugh and take selfies with the store if you want to blend in.

3. Try not to laugh at funny food items.

Chortling to yourself over a pita bread dish called ‘Fetish Toasted Pita’ is sure to draw unwanted attention. Again, try not to take a selfie with the sign. Moving on…

4. Buy an umbrella

If you thought I was prone to mood-swings during puberty, you obviously haven’t experienced Auckland weather. It has as much trouble making its mind up as a couple deciding where to eat on date-night. An umbrella should be top of the list of purchases when you come here. Nothing says ‘city-chic’ as turning up somewhere so drenched that you look like you're cosplaying as 'The Grudge'...

(P.S - This is a real photo of me after getting caught in the rain earlier today...)

5. Coffee

If you’re an Auckland local you are only allowed to drink lattes. This is not something to question, you just have to accept it and move on. I’ve noticed that your social status is heightened by the café you purchase said latte from. For example, bottom of the coffee-chain is Starbucks. Embrace your inner white trash and trim-caramel-soy-latte at your own peril. The best way to fit in is to find a small-yet-overpriced joint that sells lattes, but only with coconut milk and beans that have been grown on the side of a volcano in the Himalayas. It may taste disgusting but at least you'll look cool on Instagram!

Follow these five simple steps and you’ll be complaining about house prices and eating avocado on toast in no time!

A x

#Auckland #tips #coffee